"Boring but Comforting"

The world changes as soon as a man and a woman decide to upgrade their relationship status from dating to married.

If their definition of sweetness constitutes the kilig factor, then they must be in for some serious disappointments. The kilig factor often wanes in just a few years as the couple falls into the trap of balancing the demands of domestic life and workaday world. Where dating couples can afford to spend late nights and weekends trying out the newest restaurant in town or catching the latest plays and movies, a married couple's typical weekend is spent juggling Gymboree classes and doctors' appointments with professional and personal commitments.

Then kids -- they literally, come in between the conjugal bed. Where newlyweds find it hard to get their hands off each other, making love at every opportunity, once to twice a month seems a healthy norm for those who are more immersed in the married life. Having it once a week is already a good month, as some would say.

Such set up buzzes an alarm for a woman who's at the prime of her single life: Can married life really get that boring?

A girl friend had to add a conjunction together with a fitting description of her married life. But comforting, she said.

One's husband is, as a life partner, a woman's best friend. To see less of the boring stuff and appreciate their nuisances, I thought of the following contrasts after listening to several friends talk about how they make their marriages comforting when it gets a little boring.

1. It is really acceptance, not submission.

The typical feminist may react negatively upon hearing the age-old advice of elders saying that women should submit to their husbands. (Even I would beg to differ!) Given this, we may have to consider changing the term as in reality, submission indicates a play on power. Acceptance recognizes individual differences; hence, it is very important to look at a potential mate's principles, priorities and personal goals before tying the knot!

2. It is partnership, not competition.

If we take a look at the other reasons why couples split up, we see how marriages crumble at the face of external challenges and conflicting views and desires. It might be safe to say that in such cases, couples have forgotten the big picture -- their commitment, dreams and even, love for each other -- by focusing on the problems and their differences. What couples fail to remember is that they made vows to be together through thick and thin, for richer and for poorer, and in sickness and in health. Marriage has bound them together so that they may work as partners, boosting each other's strengths and complementing each other's weaknesses. Instead, some couples seem to see each one as a competitor, which is telling of how poisonous power is once it is allowed into the relationship.

3. Steady and stable works longer than exciting.

Remember how long those racy night outs and exotic island vacations, a.k.a. what happens in Bora stays in Bora, lasted? Quick, yes. Any long-term relationship should be able to withstand the change of tides and seasons, as well as grow even after the excitement that comes along with novelty wears off. Noting that excitement necessitates surges in emotions, it may seem emotionally unhealthy if one's love life runs on rapidly varying emotions.

There is no single recipe to a relationship that lasts. And yes, this woman would be the last person in the world for credible advices on the relationship bureau.

So let's end this post with a rather blunt question:
Are you ready for boring but comforting?

Image source: http://www2.macleans.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/MAC32_COSLEEPING04.jpg

Unlocking the Case of the Ex

It’s been a while. It was hard at first. But the wounds have been healed as separate lives were lived. However, one day, when they both least expect it, girl meets boy… again.

This is not a fantasy scenario. Time and again, men and women find themselves face-to-face with an ex—often unsure of whether they should be open for re-kindled relationships, ranging from the platonic to the romantic, or not.

It is said that maintaining friendships between two former lovers can only mean two things: either they are still in love with each other or are just carrying on the good sex. Can this be a general truth? How platonic can relationships with an ex really be? Are the typical 20 to 30-somethings open to second chances? If so, how likely is it for a second chance to work out?

The following attempts to unlock the Case of the Ex have been derived and concluded from a series of casual interviews over lunch, cocktails and online correspondences with a handful of Filipino men and women as young as 24 to as old as 37.

The interviews all seem to indicate a common truth: a purely platonic relationship with someone whom one had been physically or emotionally intimate with is impossible. There will always be a desire or a tendency to re-live memories and repeat old habits, even when both parties are already involved with their new partners. It is only out of ethical reasons that such desires and tendencies are not acted upon. (And ethics die in the spirit of alcohol or one single touch at the “wrong” place.) For “friendship” to properly work under this set up, and without anyone ending up hurt because of concealed expectations, activities must not be regularly carried on to become routines, while special treatments should no longer be encouraged. Likewise, there should no longer be displays of affection of any kind. An ex in this setting and an ordinary friend must be dealt with similarly. In the end, when one is really over an ex, the only sure way to be friends in a purely platonic level is through being civil–the hi and hello, I’m fine and so are you, bye and see you whenever type. No touching. And certainly no more beyond that.

Now, small breakups do occur in most relationships. Some may take just a day while others may extend even to a couple of months. No guideline or formula can really determine what makes a boyfriend or a girlfriend an official ex. It is a case-to-case thing and only the parties involved can tell when it is finally the end.

The respondents are mostly open to the idea of reviving a closed relationship; one even claiming that the heart is not selective: when it is really open, it grants access to all–regardless if an ex or not. However, the following factors seem to play a crucial role in deciding for another try:

1. the reason and manner of the breakup
2. the length of time apart
3. the current status of both parties

It is usually hard to make a badly ended relationship work again. There are many who would not consider getting back with an ex who made a grave mistake, believing that lessons learned should be used to prevent history from repeating itself.

Meanwhile, there seems to be no wound that time cannot heal. Time gives room for people to accept and forgive. When both are achieved by the parties involved during their period of separation, then it becomes possible to start anew.

Lastly, of course, current conditions should be considered. Are the two parties still single and unattached? Are they both living in the same city or at least, in areas that do not require a country code or a plane ride to keep communication lines open? Usually, serious considerations on these items are made prior to reviving a relationship with an ex. Cheating, however, may happen when one or both parties are already involved with another.

It takes effort to make things work in serious second chances. Things are easier when they remain trivial or when they downgrade from serious to trivial. There is a risk, however, of one being hurt as expectations cannot be avoided once old passions are re-kindled. It will entirely have to depend on who is brave enough to face the risk… or who is stupid enough to make the same mistake all over again.


I would like to thank the following persons for their experiences and insights that led to the completion of this write-up: Mr. Anonymous, Mr. Ex, CTR, Mrs. Cullen, Mr. “Outsider,” Ms. Fireness and MFV.


16 November 2008

Voyeurism as a Breach of Trust

It has always been around but these days, voyeurism is just one hot topic that arouses the interest of every Filipino. Many are reacting. Gabriela steps in. And even the Senate takes the case on its hand.

Setting aside the fact that the hype on Hayden Kho is creating a tabloid out of the Philippine politics, we have to grasp the issue in bite sizes to be able to come up with real solutions. Judgment is necessary. Solutions, however, are preventive.

Good ol' Wikipedia defines voyeurism as:

"the sexual interest in or practice of spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors, such as undressing, sexual activity, or other activity usually considered to be of a private nature"

If we will be human enough to look at this definition as some stark reality, we have to ask ourselves whether this is normal or not. If not, what do childhood and early imagoes have to do with one's compulsive effort to videotape acts that occur in private places? And in which cases do we classify the voyeur as an offender?

(Since the first question is far too complex for a blogger to discuss, allow me to delve on the latter instead.)

Sad to say, existing Philippine laws do not have any sanctions on the recording of sexual activities; on the other hand, some countries have laws that explicitly declare the act as deviant and even criminal in cases when there is no consent from the other party involved.

Given the said limitation, we can only think about the Hayden Kho scandal as an ethical offense--particularly because it is a breach of trust.

Sex and everything else leading to it are basically like relationship contracts. Such contracts are made and entered into with the binding force of trust. Without the other's knowledge and consent, videotaping obviously violates this trust. An act that is done in the bedroom should not find itself replayed on public media.

Moreover, the act should not be passed on from the hands of men and women for reasons due to entertainment, money-making, and even just sheer curiosity. At the end of the day, circulating the videos can be just as damaging as the real offense.

The worst part of all these scandals lie on the fact that most, if not all, of the victims are women.

Photo Credit: http://www.microvideox.com/images/hidden_camera_hiddencamnight_0000.jpg